I won’t go over the whole issue in any detail, but this realisation raises a couple of new questions about my artwork – and so I thought would be very relevant to mention briefly.
Can my work have different implications? Is the reason I am focusing on the theme of identity, memory and nationality, different to what I originally thought? Or perhaps it actually [adds to/emphasises] my whole theoretical concept?
This loss I’ve been feeling with regards to my family members – how my immigration and the disconnection from my family’s collective memory (and what makes them identify as a part of the family) creates a sense of loss – or like I’m missing out –
missing out on all the potential
missing out on conversations and relationships
who would I have been if I had stronger connection with all these sources (geographical, social but also familial)?
this [disassociation] just adds more complexity, depth and layers to the issue – and honestly just makes it that bit more confusing for me.
I guess memory is a key component when it comes to this
I take a lot of photos for the sake of keeping them – to be able to look back at them – to reflect on them – there’s a distance between me and what I see – once I passed a phase of my life it’s like it doesn’t belong to me anymore – all the photos I look at are of someone else – of another person – I do not associate with them – because I honestly do not remember (or feel like)
I don’t remember that part of my life.
So I guess this also adds to my previous thoughts on why I incorporate photography as part of my practice? it’s never something [certain, solid, concrete] for me and hence it doesn’t matter what associations people have with it
So it’s like an entire search for a lost, escaping and potential identities?
A state of floating – a constant yet silent and distant FLUX.
There seems to be a great lack of connection between the conscious and the unconscious – like a barrier separating the two – feels like there is almost nothing in the consciousness – with no access to the unconscious – or maybe it’s the other way around?
But regardless there’s an inability to access emotions and to connect with myself, the people around me and the space I am in.
[so my practice perhaps was all along influenced by this? trying to re-connect, find a part of myself that I could utilise for that purpose? – to not just do things for the sake of doing them but attempt to place myself and build a space where I can attempt to retrieve information and try to connect with it, in a personal and intimate way]
I used to always think that I had a good memory, but actually unless specifically prompted my head seems
and then even when I manage to recall events it doesn’t feel authentic – like I’m recalling someone else’s memory
looking at my own life from an observer’s perspective.